Category Archives: Uncategorized

3 Down, 47 To Go

Well, the breeding grounds of those freedom and equality-loving treacherous “liberals” has expanded: Connecticut will overturn its ban on same-sex marriage.

Now, those heathens can profess their love openly and legally, and have the same full-fledged rights under the law.

Watch your white picket fence, Sammy and Sally Republican… for those Homer Sexuals can now commit such grizzly acts as:

  • File taxes as a married couple!
  • Visit their husband or wife in the hospital!
  • Command one’s estate after death!

Oh, the humanity!!

What’s next? Tolerance? Acceptance? When will this madness end?

Ok, ok, I’ll drop the act now. The one thing I don’t like about this, is that the Governor of Connecticut doesn’t support it, and is only backing the state Supreme Court because she thinks attempts to reverse the overturning will fail. Such was the idea in the South during the Jim Crow era. But I digress…

Well, the economy will grab a little jolt in Connecticut now, because if there’s one thing my people are willing to spend money on, it’s a party. Wedding planners, rejoice.

I’m currently planning my first dance at the reception should Nevada happen to get a clue.

Truly,

Ryan

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Savagely Stolen News: HOLY BIRTH, BATMAN!!

Sorry if I haven’t been as visible lately, I’ve been swamped with this “Dream Match” between some Filipino guy and some Boy made out of Gold? Anyway, as our economy goes down the tubes and people are still dying in Iraq (not that anyone’s talking about that right now) and our President, the Lord God Supreme Dictator Decider-Guy Monkey Face, continues to giggle like a stupid hyena… I think I’ve found the answer to our problems. Obama? Yes, but this is even BETTER…

Immaculately conceiving sharks.

Enjoy. –Ryan

RICHMOND, Virginia (AP) — Scientists have confirmed the second case of a “virgin birth” in a shark.

A blacktip shark in the wild patrols the vast expanse of the Indian Ocean.

A blacktip shark in the wild patrols the vast expanse of the Indian Ocean.

In a study reported Friday in the Journal of Fish Biology, scientists said DNA testing proved that a pup carried by a female blacktip shark in a Virginia aquarium contained no genetic material from a male.

The first documented case of asexual reproduction, or parthenogenesis, among sharks involved a pup born to a hammerhead at an Omaha, Nebraska, zoo.

“This first case was no fluke,” Demian Chapman, a shark scientist and lead author of the second study, said in a statement. “It is quite possible that this is something female sharks of many species can do on occasion.”

The scientists cautioned that the rare asexual births should not be viewed as a possible solution to declining global shark populations. The aquarium sharks that reproduced without mates each carried only one pup, while some species can produce litters of a dozen or more.

“It is very unlikely that a small number of female survivors could build their numbers up very quickly by undergoing virgin birth,” Chapman said.

The medical mystery began 16 months ago after the death of Tidbit, a blacktip shark that had lived for eight years at the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center in Virginia Beach. No male blacktip sharks were present during her eight years.

In May 2007, the 5-foot, 94-pound shark died after it was given a sedative before undergoing a yearly checkup. The 10-inch shark pup was found during a necropsy, surprising aquarium officials. They initially thought the embryonic pup was either the product of a virgin birth or a cross between the blacktip and a male of another shark species — which has never been documented, Chapman said.

Tidbit’s pup was nearly full term, and likely would have been quickly eaten by “really big sand tiger sharks” that were in the tank, Chapman said in a telephone interview from Florida.

That is what happened to the tiny hammerhead pup in the Omaha case.

“By the time they could realize what they were looking at, something munched the baby,” he said of aquarium workers. The remains of the pup were used for the DNA testing.

Virgin birth has been proven in some bony fish, amphibians, reptiles and birds, and has been suspected among sharks in the wild.

The scientists who studied the Virginia and Nebraska sharks said the newly formed pups acquired one set of chromosomes when the mother’s chromosomes split during egg development, then united anew.

Absent the chromosomes present in the male sperm, the offspring of an asexual conception have reduced genetic diversity and, the scientists said, may be at a disadvantage for surviving in the wild. A pup, for instance, can be more susceptible to congenital disorders and diseases.

The scientists said their findings offer “intriguing questions” about how frequently automictic parthenogenesis occurs in the wild.

“It is possible that parthenogenesis could become more common in these sharks if population densities become so low that females have trouble finding mates,” said Mahmood Shivji, one of the scientists and director of the Guy Harvey Research Institute at Nova Southeastern University in Florida.

The DNA fingerprinting techniques used by the scientists are identical to those used in human paternity testing.

Chapman, who is with the Institute for Ocean Conservation Science at Stony Brook, was assisted in the study by Beth Firchau of the Virginia Aquarium.

Chapman and Shivji were on the team that made the first discovery of virgin birth involving the Nebraska shark.

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Paul Newman (1925-2008) — RIP

Legendary actor Paul Newman dies at age 83
Saturday September 27 9:16 AM ET

Paul Newman, the Academy-Award winning superstar who personified cool as an activist, race car driver, popcorn impresario and the anti-hero of such films as “Hud,” “Cool Hand Luke” and “The Color of Money,” has died. He was 83.

Newman died Friday after a long battle with cancer at his farmhouse near Westport, publicist Jeff Sanderson said. He was surrounded by his family and close friends.

In May, Newman he had dropped plans to direct a fall production of “Of Mice and Men,” citing unspecified health issues.

He got his start in theater and on television during the 1950s, and went on to become one of the world’s most enduring and popular film stars, a legend held in awe by his peers. He was nominated for Oscars 10 times, winning one regular award and two honorary ones, and had major roles in more than 50 motion pictures, including “Exodus,” “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” “The Verdict,” “The Sting” and “Absence of Malice.”

Newman worked with some of the greatest directors of the past half century, from Alfred Hitchcock and John Huston to Robert Altman, Martin Scorsese and the Coen brothers. His co-stars included Elizabeth Taylor, Lauren Bacall, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks and, most famously, Robert Redford, his sidekick in “Butch Cassidy” and “The Sting.”

He sometimes teamed with his wife and fellow Oscar winner, Joanne Woodward, with whom he had one of Hollywood’s rare long-term marriages. “I have steak at home, why go out for hamburger?” Newman told Playboy magazine when asked if he was tempted to stray.

They wed in 1958, around the same time they both appeared in “The Long Hot Summer,” and Newman directed her in several films, including “Rachel, Rachel” and “The Glass Menagerie”

With his strong, classically handsome face and piercing blue eyes, Newman was a heartthrob just as likely to play against his looks, becoming a favorite with critics for his convincing portrayals of rebels, tough guys and losers. “I was always a character actor,” he once said. “I just looked like Little Red Riding Hood.”

Newman had a soft spot for underdogs in real life, giving tens of millions to charities through his food company and setting up camps for severely ill children. Passionately opposed to the Vietnam War, and in favor of civil rights, he was so famously liberal that he ended up on President Nixon’s “enemies list,” one of the actor’s proudest achievements, he liked to say.

A screen legend by his mid-40s, he waited a long time for his first competitive Oscar, winning in 1987 for “The Color of Money,” a reprise of the role of pool shark “Fast” Eddie Felson, whom Newman portrayed in the 1961 film “The Hustler.”

Newman delivered a magnetic performance in “The Hustler,” playing a smooth-talking, whiskey-chugging pool shark who takes on Minnesota Fats played by Jackie Gleason and becomes entangled with a gambler played by George C. Scott. In the sequel directed by Scorsese “Fast Eddie” is no longer the high-stakes hustler he once was, but rather an aging liquor salesman who takes a young pool player (Cruise) under his wing before making a comeback.

He won an honorary Oscar in 1986 “in recognition of his many and memorable compelling screen performances and for his personal integrity and dedication to his craft.” In 1994, he won a third Oscar, the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award, for his charitable work.

His most recent academy nod was a supporting actor nomination for the 2002 film “Road to Perdition.” One of Newman’s nominations was as a producer; the other nine were in acting categories. (Jack Nicholson holds the record among actors for Oscar nominations, with 12; actress Meryl Streep has had 14.)

As he passed his 80th birthday, he remained in demand, winning an Emmy and a Golden Globe for the 2005 HBO drama “Empire Falls” and providing the voice of a crusty 1951 car in the 2006 Disney-Pixar hit, “Cars.”

But in May 2007, he told ABC’s “Good Morning America” he had given up acting, though he intended to remain active in charity projects. “I’m not able to work anymore as an actor at the level I would want to,” he said. “You start to lose your memory, your confidence, your invention. So that’s pretty much a closed book for me.”

He received his first Oscar nomination for playing a bitter, alcoholic former star athlete in the 1958 film “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.” Elizabeth Taylor played his unhappy wife and Burl Ives his wealthy, domineering father in Tennessee Williams’ harrowing drama, which was given an upbeat ending for the screen.

In “Cool Hand Luke,” he was nominated for his gritty role as a rebellious inmate in a brutal Southern prison. The movie was one of the biggest hits of 1967 and included a tagline, delivered one time by Newman and one time by prison warden Strother Martin, that helped define the generation gap, “What we’ve got here is (a) failure to communicate.”

Newman’s hair was graying, but he was as gourgeous as ever and on the verge of his greatest popular success. In 1969, Newman teamed with Redford for “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” a comic Western about two outlaws running out of time. Newman paired with Redford again in 1973 in “The Sting,” a comedy about two Depression-era con men. Both were multiple Oscar winners and huge hits, irreverent, unforgettable pairings of two of the best-looking actors of their time.

Newman also turned to producing and directing. In 1968, he directed “Rachel, Rachel,” a film about a lonely spinster’s rebirth. The movie received four Oscar nominations, including Newman, for producer of a best motion picture, and Woodward, for best actress. The film earned Newman the best director award from the New York Film Critics.

In the 1970s, Newman, admittedly bored with acting, became fascinated with auto racing, a sport he studied when he starred in the 1972 film, “Winning.” After turning professional in 1977, Newman and his driving team made strong showings in several major races, including fifth place in Daytona in 1977 and second place in the Le Mans in 1979.

“Racing is the best way I know to get away from all the rubbish of Hollywood,” he told People magazine in 1979.

Despite his love of race cars, Newman continued to make movies and continued to pile up Oscar nominations, his looks remarkably intact, his acting becoming more subtle, nothing like the mannered method performances of his early years, when he was sometimes dismissed as a Brando imitator. “It takes a long time for an actor to develop the assurance that the trim, silver-haired Paul Newman has acquired,” Pauline Kael wrote of him in the early 1980s.

In 1982, he got his Oscar fifth nomination for his portrayal of an honest businessman persecuted by an irresponsible reporter in “Absence of Malice.” The following year, he got his sixth for playing a down-and-out alcoholic attorney in “The Verdict.”

In 1995, he was nominated for his slyest, most understated work yet, the town curmudgeon and deadbeat in “Nobody’s Fool.” New York Times critic Caryn James found his acting “without cheap sentiment and self-pity,” and observed, “It says everything about Mr. Newman’s performance, the single best of this year and among the finest he has ever given, that you never stop to wonder how a guy as good-looking as Paul Newman ended up this way.”

Newman, who shunned Hollywood life, was reluctant to give interviews and usually refused to sign autographs because he found the majesty of the act offensive, according to one friend.

He also claimed that he never read reviews of his movies.

“If they’re good you get a fat head and if they’re bad you’re depressed for three weeks,” he said.

Off the screen, Newman had a taste for beer and was known for his practical jokes. He once had a Porsche installed in Redford’s hallway crushed and covered with ribbons.

“I think that my sense of humor is the only thing that keeps me sane,” he told Newsweek magazine in a 1994 interview.

In 1982, Newman and his Westport neighbor, writer A.E. Hotchner, started a company to market Newman’s original oil-and-vinegar dressing. Newman’s Own, which began as a joke, grew into a multimillion-dollar business selling popcorn, salad dressing, spaghetti sauce and other foods. All of the company’s profits are donated to charities. By 2007, the company had donated more than $175 million, according to its Web site.

In 1988, Newman founded a camp in northeastern Connecticut for children with cancer and other life-threatening diseases. He went on to establish similar camps in several other states and in Europe.

He and Woodward bought an 18th century farmhouse in Westport, where they raised their three daughters, Elinor “Nell,” Melissa and Clea.

Newman had two daughters, Susan and Stephanie, and a son, Scott, from a previous marriage to Jacqueline Witte.

Scott died in 1978 of an accidental overdose of alcohol and Valium. After his only son’s death, Newman established the Scott Newman Foundation to finance the production of anti-drug films for children.

Newman was born in Cleveland, Ohio, the second of two boys of Arthur S. Newman, a partner in a sporting goods store, and Theresa Fetzer Newman.

He was raised in the affluent suburb of Shaker Heights, where he was encouraged him to pursue his interest in the arts by his mother and his uncle Joseph Newman, a well-known Ohio poet and journalist.

Following World War II service in the Navy, he enrolled at Kenyon College in Gambier, Ohio, where he got a degree in English and was active in student productions.

He later studied at Yale University’s School of Drama, then headed to New York to work in theater and television, his classmates at the famed Actor’s Studio including Brando, James Dean and Karl Malden. His breakthrough was enabled by tragedy: Dean, scheduled to star as the disfigured boxer in a television adaptation of Ernest Hemingway’s “The Battler,” died in a car crash in 1955. His role was taken by Newman, then a little-known performer.

Newman started in movies the year before, in “The Silver Chalice,” a costume film he so despised that he took out an ad in Variety to apologize. By 1958, he had won the best actor award at the Cannes Film Festival for the shiftless Ben Quick in “The Long Hot Summer.”

In December 1994, about a month before his 70th birthday, he told Newsweek magazine he had changed little with age.

“I’m not mellower, I’m not less angry, I’m not less self-critical, I’m not less tenacious,” he said. “Maybe the best part is that your liver can’t handle those beers at noon anymore,” he said.

Newman is survived by his wife, five children, two grandsons and his older brother Arthur.

___

On the Net:

http://www. newmansown. com/

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The New Most Annoying Song In The World

As I was driving with my friend down Las Vegas Blvd, a song came on a certain station. I won’t say which one, but suffice it to say it falls somewhere between 97.4 and 97.6 FM.

Now, it is largely regarded (at least by Dave Barry fans) that Donna Summer’s version of “MacArthur Park” is the most annoying song in the world. But when I heard this song, it made me think… god DAMN this song sucks. I’m not picking on it because it’s rap; there’s a lot of rap out there that I like.

I’m picking on it for lyrics like (and I swear I’m not making this up) the ones found in Lil’ Wayne’s “Mrs. Officer”:

Doin a buck in the latest drop
I got stopped by a lady cop
Ha Ha… she got me thinking I can date a cop
Ha Ha… cause her uniform pants are so tight
She read me my rights
She put me in nah car, she cut off all the lights
She said I had the right to remain silent
Now I got her hollering sounding like a siren

I wish I was joking. But the song, whose chorus largely consists of “Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee,
(Like a cop car)
” is not only the new theme song for misogyny, but is just freakin’ DUMB. I also submit into evidence:

I make her wear nothing but handcuffs & heels
And I beat it like a cop
Rodney King baby yeah I beat it like a cop

Remember when cop-killing was the controversial thing in rap?

I don’t think that I can take it, cause it took so long to bake it, and I’ll never have that recipe again.

Oh no.

–Ryan

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Dear Leader may be dearly departing?

Maybe, maybe not, but according to US Intelligence, K-to the-J-to the-Izzle may have suffered a stroke. Questions have been raised over the 66-year-old bat-shit-crazy North Korean dictator’s health, but while rumors circulate, anonymous sources show no signs of regime change. His failure to appear at a military processional celebrating N. Korea’s 60th birthday, and last month’s alleged collapse, as reported by a South Korean magazine, show signs that maybe he’s not in perfect condition as he would like people to believe.

You know how that would make me feel if Kim Jong Il died?

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Something More “Normal” Than the Right-Wing Baked Alaska

So here’s something you can dwell on instead of “How the hell are they going to explain __________?”

There’s going to be an Addams Family musical in late 2009.

I kid you not.

–Ryan

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Ted McGinley Rears His (Proverbially) Ugly Head

Let’s focus on what’s really important in the world right now.

The Olympics? No, those are over. And might I add, the US Boxing team brought back one single, solitary bronze medal.

The DNC? No, that’s pretty much under control. There will be snark upcoming, but I got nothing right now.

I’m talking about the really important stuff:

Dancing With The Stars released its Season 7 celebrity list! Oh thank god, I’ve been waiting with baited breath!

Tapping their tootsies in Season 7: All My Children‘s Susan Lucci, reality TV star Kim Kardashian, singer Toni Braxton, N*Sync’s Lance Bass, Oscar winner Cloris Leachman, Super Bowl ring bearer Warren Sapp, chef Rocco DiSpirito, Hannah Montana‘s Cody Linley, beach volleyball gold medalist Misty May-Treanor, comedian Jeffrey Ross, track gold medalist Maurice Green, and actor Ted McGinley.

First thoughts:

— The early favorite should be Lance Bass and Toni Braxton, considering they’ve had to dance before in some form or another.

— Cloris Leachman? I’m sorry, was Queen Elizabeth II unavailable?

— Ted McGinley. This is bad. You do realize that every show in the 80s that Ted McGinley joined the cast of, died in about a few seasons? Does he still have that death touch?

I’m fearing for the life of the show.

–Ryan

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Happy Birthday Connie!

My wife’s birthday is today.  She’s an amazing woman that I feel overwhelmingly lucky to have.  I was always suspicious that men calling their wives their “better half” was just some bullshit they tossed around to make their waives sound great.  It seemed like latent sexism.  Then I got married.  My life is much more complete and successful now that I have her as my partner.

Happy Birthday Baby!

Cheers,

Tom

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Your Little Bundle of Joy Will Slowly Ruin Your Life

Pregnant women and fathers-to-be, take heed: That “bun” in the oven will ruin your mental health.

Somewhat.

In a recent study conducted by Florida State University’s sociology program, results show that parents as a whole “experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers,” according to Dr. Robin Simon of FSU.

As a whole. Not one single group of parents, be it married, single, step-, or even empty nesters report significant greater emotional well-being than adults who never have children.

Practical use? It’s obvious. Stop having kids, no more war.

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Grey Skies Are Gonna Clear Up…

Well the Black(Berry) days are still in full effect, but T-Mobile definitely bolstered my confidence in them by exchanged my broken phone for a new one.  All I have to do is pick up the tab, which is mostly my fault since I wanted the tool to be here ASAP.

Now I need to introduce the readers to our newest contributor Don Singleton.  I allow Don to enumerate his various and stout achievements in the world of television, politics and amore at a later time.  For now I’m going to post his take on this summer’s movie season (next post).

Cheers,

Tom

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I Fell on Black(Berry) Days…

The Blackberry went kaput today.  The screen flipped out and gave me a weird error.  I called customer service, who transferred me to tech support after re-verifying my info the voice prompt had already gotten from me.  They sent me to Blackberry support who once again (number 3) reverified the same info I had given to a computer and a person.  Luckily, this guy knew his stuff.  He was familiar with the problem and since my laptop was home he said he’d send me the fix.  I went the WHOLE day without the phone.  Of course, an editor of an international magazine I had not communicated with in a few months emailed me during this time to express interest in an article I had pitched to them.

When I got home and started the slowwwwwww process of downloading the programs necessary to getting my blackberry and by extention my life, back in order.  One of the downloads took 2 hours.  No, I am not using a 14.4 baud modem.  I’m using the Verizon Wireless card which never has a problem with speed in my area.  I stream Netflix movies with it so a program shouldn’t be a big deal.  Anyways, I was a bit miffed at the time, but figured it was worth having my addiction back.  Ok, 3 hours in and I finally have all the programs downloaded.  YAY!

Whoops…  now the desk top manager asks for a PIN and password to my phone…  My phone has neither…  I call T-Mobile again.  This time I was smart and after verifying my info I told the voice prompt I needed “Blackberry support” and was able to skip the customer service layover.  Things were moving along.  I was going to have my phone back!

Then the probable happened.  I got ahold of a tech support dolt.  The lady obviously had no F’ing idea what my problem was or how to solve it.  She simply read off of a script- which was basically the email the rep had sent me earlier in the day…  I protested a bit, but she was determined that the script was the answer.  I hung up.

Now time for round 3.

Wish me luck!

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Welcome Race Fans!

Apparently race fans are descending upon my page with vigor. For some reason all the searches seem to have Kyle Petty in them. So this post is for you!

It’s too bad Kyle Petty has decided to take time off from the race track to join TNT. It’s a bit odd to see others drive his #45 car. But good news for Petty fans, he’ll be back in the driver’s seat on August 10th! Frankly, watching NASCAR races devoid of a Petty in them feels like a sham, sham, sham. But that’s just me…

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Miscellaneous BS

Let’s start with baseball.  A few days ago I read an article telling me that no “name” baseball stars would be traded.  For the life of me I can’t find it now to give you the link and publicly shame the person that wrote it.  Three guaranteed future hall of famers, Pudge Rodriguez, Ken Griffey, Jr and Manny Ramirez were all traded in the past couple of days since that article was published.  Perhaps it was pulled for inaccuracy?

Keeping with the boys of summer, Alex Rodriguez aka A-Rod just announced in divorce papers that his wife’s allegations of cheating were, “immaterial and impertinent.” It’s funny that he used the word “immaterial” in the filing since one of his rumored dalliances is rumored to be with “The Material Girl” herself, Madonna.  Alex buddy, don’t ever tell a woman you are divorcing that you laying the pipe with other women was no big deal…  something about “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”.  She’s likely to dig in her heels and be willing to take less in the end to make your life absolute hell during the process.  And divorces can last an eternity.  Ask Alec Baldwin.  He separated from his wife in 2000…

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